i've taught myself to hold my breath
by sharoncarters
Summary: Bea and Ben decide to make a video. Set in the "Nothing Much To Do" web series universe.


The truth is rough  
So I sandpaper my edges smooth  
I sugarcoat, I always run  
But I'm trying not to  
Is that not enough for you?  
\- Paola Bennet, Hurricane Zone

* * *

"You know you've fucked up when Benedick thinks you're an idiot," he hears Beatrice mutter to herself as he stands poised to knock at her door.

She says it with amazement, which is new, because usually she's gritting his name through her teeth and saying it with such derision that he wants to tell her how she really knows how to make a guy learn to hate his own name.

It feels weird, being in her house, especially after all of this. (Not that it's even her house, per se, it's Hero's, but whatever. Still weird.) And it feels like an invasion of privacy, standing here, listening to her talk to herself - which he thinks she probably does a lot, and that thought should not be as cute as it is to him, honestly - which is why he knocks.

Even though her door is open. Because it's Beatrice. And even though it's Beatrice now, with an entirely new connotation and emphasis that's never been there before, even though he has all of these new feelings that have (probably? most likely) always been there, he still doesn't want to get his head ripped off.

She spins around to look at him, and there's something different in her face, something new besides hate and anger and annoyance, and it hurts that it's only there because of what his (supposed) best friend did. He'd thought that he'd get her to look differently at him because he was mature, and he listened to her, and she finally realized they were meant to be.

Not like this, he thinks. He didn't want it to be like this.

He feels a terrible urge to go over to her, to take her in her arms and tell her that everything was going to be okay, but he knows that neither of them would be comfortable with that quite yet.

So he settles for, "Is Hero okay?". Which is a dumb question. He knows she's not okay, because she just got slut shamed in front of their set of friends and, now, because of the video, basically the entire school. Bea knows it too, but she doesn't say anything, just shrugs.

He's never seen her defeated like this before. He's seen her be a lot of things - happy, annoyed, angry, furious, but never defeated. He doesn't like it. For someone so brimming with ideas and thoughts and passion, she looks completely empty. And it's made doubly worse, because, for the first time in his life, he doesn't know what to do to get a reaction out of her.

"I just don't understand how everything got so messed up," she manages, and he clenches his hands at his sides. "Hero would never - she isn't - she's not that kind of person. Why would anyone want to hurt her like this?"

Ben doesn't have an answer, which is also new to him. His mouth has gone dry, and his wit seems to have run away and gone into hiding.

"I think we should make a video," he says. He sees her freeze, open her mouth, probably wanting to yell at him about what a horrible idea it is, about how he shouldn't take advantage of a poor girl's terrible situation for views, for fucks' sake, Bendedick, what is wrong with you?, but all she does is bite her lip and move towards the bed.

"That's actually," she pauses, and he has to look away from her stupid pink lips that he really shouldn't be thinking about in a situation like this, "not a bad idea."

"Never thought I'd see the day," he quips, and gets a small smile out of her, nowhere near the kind that he'd wanted. But she's agreeing with him, and that's the most progress he's made since the day he (awkwardly, stupidly) hid in her bathroom and tried to flirt with her, so he sits down on the bed.

"It would be good, I think," Bea continues, "to let people see our side of the story. I don't need people judging her without knowing everything." She smells good, his brain registers, and she's not fidgeting like she always does, which, for some reason makes him feel awful. Stupid Claudio and stupid Pedro have fucking knocked the life right out of her, hurting Hero like this.

"Yeah," he agrees, mouth dry. He doesn't think he's ever been this close to her, much less on a bed, and his teenage body can't stop thinking about it. Their knees are almost touching, and if she turned her head to look at him they'd be in the perfect position to kiss.

"So, let's get started then, yeah?"

* * *

He has to physically restrain himself from hugging Beatrice while they're filming. It's the first video he's made in a while, but he knows that doing so would be weird for the viewers (not like he should care, but excuses are excuses and no matter what he says he's not brave enough to touch her) so he sits and clenches his hands and looks at her like she's the fucking sun.

Because she is. She's brave and smart and he watches her and Leo spar back and forth and he wants so badly to just tell her that. Bea protects the people she loves, and he'd give anything to be one of those people (just assuming that she loves him isn't really proof, okay).

When they post the video it's almost like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, but then Bea looks at him weirdly and he remembers that, oh, I'm not her boyfriend, I don't really have a right to stay here, and he leaves without so much as hugging her.

Maybe one day, he thinks, but not today.

* * *

this is not my best but i had so many feelings and literally you can SEE ben holding himself back from touching her in the newest video and i couldn't control myself


End file.
